scream when you have to, to let go

Friday, October 23, 2009

22:50

here i am once again after a long long MIA.

im supposed to be studying ok. but one thing sparked off in my mind and i thought i want to share.

i think im exceedingly much quieter, more mature (though some may completely disagree), more self-keeping, less RAAAAH (since jc), less noisy (noisy with a few people only), less involved in school activities (given, it's such an independent system in school, i tend to detach myself from many things going on in school except bazaars(HAHA), to put it blatantly, i think im less energetic to involve myself anymore = lazy), you get the point.

is it the school system? my system? my new "go school, study, attend lessons, eat a little, go back, facebook, die in soci and maths tut, silat, weekends are...i dont know what happened to them" routine? or maybe i've grown. but why do i need a bib? ):

but what i dont understand is the change which gradually consumes me and changes me to a person, different at a whole new level (lower or higher, im not sure). in a way, im happy like this, but somehow, where's my vibe? i think used to be happier. so what's changed? ):

looking at pictures on facebook of friends, looking at pictures i took when i was young (ya alah macam tua sangat), reading at past entries on my blog (thanks), im much much less of a happiness-exuding person than i used to be.

wani said to me some three weeks ago, "nurul! why you look so sad? you used to be smiling all the time!"

then it became a thought provoking matter for me for the past weeks when i find time alone and as i try to understand and comprehend the change in myself. i wonder if everybody else changes in this direction as they age. i wonder if i am less happy now than i was before. but here's what i notice about myself.
1) im still the way i was when im alone. i sing, talk to myself, draw and doodle when some image comes into my head, i terkinja-kinja still and i like to laugh myself silly alone (ohmygod i sound mental)
2) i now have a different persona in public, compared to then.

does this mean or show being very mindful of how others perceive me to be changes me? i tak tau. ))): am i obsessed with "im an adult now i should behave" mentality? or aiyah society, why make me like this?? )))): now i blame society. dammit.

then now, here comes me thinking about loads and i cant express it to people, as i hide in my comfort zone where people dont scrutinize or judge me. i have this ugly impression of people that they are judgmental. maybe because sometimes i do judge people (like how i judged my laoshi's shoes just now). i need to delete "judgmental" out of my dictionary.

so now, i'm thinking, people who read this are going to judge what kind of a person i am.
so i tell you, no im not sad. i just dont understand why i turn out this way. what a contradiction.

on a side note, today has been terrible.
spilled chinchow, sugar washed jeans, my phone dropped twice, not eating much, i have a feeling people are scolding me a lot lately when actually they are not.

ah. life's complicated. what wani said made me realise of my reclusion.
ah. if only i wasnt such a thinker at certain times. or maybe this is effect of regular pms. shit.